Not Even “Maps and Legends” can Help STPicard 1.2 Out of the Suck!

Let’s say you are a car freak. Someone comes up to you and says, “Look, I have this beautiful Ferrari, it’s brand new and has every feature you could ever want in a sports car,” then says to you, “I’ll let you test drive it but after that, you have to pay me a certain amount of money to keep it. Wadayasay?” You agree, take the car for a test drive and it’s everything you could’ve ever imagined. You agree to the terms and start paying for the car.

Then, suddenly, the car breaks down while you’re on the interstate in the middle of nowhere. You were going to impress your significant other and hope for a great, unforgettable night of car sex but in the end, you’re not going anywhere cos you’re broke down! On top of that, there are two dead, fat people in the trunk that smell like they’ve been there for God knows how long!

Let’s put this into perspective. That Ferrari you fell in love with was STAR TREK PICARD Episode 1: “Remembrance.” The broken down piece of trash with the two dead fat people in the back that evacuated long ago, inside said trunk? Yeah, that’s Episode 2: “Maps and Legends.”

As usual, spoilers ahead.

After the recap (which is basically the entire previous episode), we open up on Mars during the events of the “Children of Mars” Short Trek. We see a whole army of not-quite-perfect synthetics and a human saying, “Good morning, plastic people.”

Right away, we know we’re in the Identity Politic System instead of STAR TREK.

We focus on a single synth, F8 (real creative… sorry, that was bile in my throat). F8 gets made fun of by one of the yard engineers, “Hell yeah!” she teaches him. F8 obviously has no clue what’s going on and doesn’t understand, but that’s okay – he kills everyone anyway.

Before he does, the engineers make fun of them some more. One of the engineers stands up for him for a second but ends up going along with it anyway. Then, F8 lowers the shields around all of the docks and the ground emplacements of Utopia Planitia, and then he kills everyone.

Then he kills himself.

Flash to white, and opening credits.

I praised the credits in my last review but being so pissed off at what the hell I just saw, I skipped them. I nearly turned the thing off, but I had to keep going. I was hoping this was the only time we got any SJW tropes this episode.

Boy, oh boy… was I ever so wrong!

Back at the Picard Ranch, we see Picard and his Romulan slaves go over the footage of Daj’s death from the last episode. They educate Picard on something called the “Jat Vash,” obviously something that sounds like it came out of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s imagination; an organization of Romulan criminals who are so powerful that they even control the Tal’Shair, Starfleet and even parts of the Klingon Empire. We get to see this in action later on during the episode.

Anyway, during this conversation, it becomes a voice-over narration as Picard and the female Romulan slave beam over to Daj’s Boston apartment. The CG is so bad in this episode it could’ve easily been mistaken for Futurama. The Romulan does a molecular recreation and shows the opening shots of the first episode up to the point where the gay-boyfriend goes to the replicator, and then everything is “scrubbed.”

Picard finds what looks like a Nintendo Wii censor bar laying around and says that it’s evidence.

That Nintendo Wii censor bar turned out to be a computer that the Romulan slave was able to find some information on transmissions received offworld, which shocks Picard. Why the hell would a decorated Starfleet officer be shocked that something came from offworld? Why the hell did the female Romulan slave deliver the lines, “It’s from nowhere on Earth” as though it’s a 1980s alien first-contact movie?

“I hate to break it to you but Starfleet operates in outer space.”

James T. Kirk – STAR TREK (2009)

Next, we’re on the Borg Cube… I mean “Romulan Reclamation Zone,” where Soji and Nerrek got finished with an all-nighter. They have a quip about keeping secrets that goes nowhere.

Back at the Picard ranch, we meet Maritz, who was apparently the chief medical officer on the Stargazer, now a “simple country doctor” in the middle of France somewhere. We get a reference to the brain disorder Picard suffers from in “All Good Things,” the series finale of TNG, and Picard then demands that Martiz releases Picard’s Starfleet physical certification.

After the commercial break, we return to Starfleet Command. We are greeted with both the Alexander Courage and Jerry Goldsmith’s fanfares, respectively. Jeff Russo’s delivery of these themes here is just as bombastic and heroic as ever and sent shivers up my spine. It was an absolutely beautiful moment, classic in every way…

Until the entire sequence unfolds. Then those sweet shivers turn into solid rage!

At first, it seems innocent enough. We get the John Eaves 1701 “classic” (which I must admit is my favorite of the Enterprise redesigns and something we should’ve gotten in ST09 instead of the piece of crap Ryan Church design we got in the first place), which changes to the 1701-D (unaltered, Andrew Probert model) as holograms above the quarterdeck of Starfleet Command’s central annex.

Next is the trailer scene where the watch of the deck asks Picard for his name. Then, we’re introduced to Admiral Clayton, and this is where the rage meter breaks.

In a heated exchange, Picard is basically told to go to hell by Admiral Clayton. While the explanation we’re given is that Picard ran his mouth on TV and because of that he has no room to make requests/demands of the head of Starfleet, it’s not-so secretly a message to us, the fans.

Stolen from a Facebook user without prior consent.

The line in this screen grab isn’t directed at Jean-Luc Picard.

It’s directed at you and me.

The following exchange can easily be translated as this: “How dare you express your opinions by making demands of us! You think you can say what you say about us and tune in and expect each new episode or series to go the way you want it? You don’t get to decide how things are, we do! Now get the hell out of here because STAR TREK is NOT for you, anymore!”

“Request denied!”

Replace Picard with us, and the Federation with STAR TREK and that is exactly what you get!

So twice over, once in the first five minutes, I’m absolutely livid!

Never since the appearance of the holodeck in Season 1 of STD have I ever gotten pissed off at an episode of STAR TREK! In actuality, I usually like an episode until I’m red-pilled out of it!

This was INSTA-HATE!

This was followed by more pointless scenes at the Borg cube where we meet a new character, whose name I can’t remember nor care to. There is a quip about Narrek being “a hot Romulan” but I couldn’t care less at this point. This is followed by a scene with Picard and Alison Pill’s character from the previous episode back on the Picard Ranch. There’s some exposition that, also, goes nowhere.

Next we’re treated to the meaning of “reclamation” – the Romulans are un-assimilating Borg drones and “reclaiming” them. We get to see this in action as they are performing surgery on the drones to de-Borg them. There’s a scene where one of the doctors says something like “Unnamed patient,” and Soji gets offended on their behalf.

The doctor quickly wonders why. She says they don’t know their name or even their species, so why get offended over someone stating facts?

I KNOW, RIGHT?!!

Picard finds his old combadge, activates it and calls his old colleague from the Verity (yes, you have to read the comics to figure out who the hell he’s talking to). The next scene, his Romulan slaves try to convince Picard not to go – he doesn’t listen. Then they ask him why not call Riker, Geordie or Worf?

Picard says that if they were to give their lives for him, he couldn’t deal with losing more “family,” and didn’t want to feel like he felt when Data died. So, he sought help from someone who hates him.

You have to read the comic to see why.

That is wrong on so many levels! Alex Kurtzman sucks!!

Next we get a lense flare-filled mustache-twirling moment between our apparent villains. Guess who the bad guys are?

STARFLEET! They talk about Picard going to see Clayton, give some exposition about everything, and “taking care” of Picard.

Sigh…

More rage.

Next.

After that scene, we get Picard going to Vazquez Rocks… this time, it’s really the Vazquez Rocks and not the Vazquez Rocks standing in for an alien scene. There, Picard meets up with his old XO, she points a gun at him and tells him to leave. He says things about Romulan assassins on Earth and suddenly, it’s time to talk.

The episode closes with a Romulan sleeper agent talking to Narrek. She’s apparently his older sister and is on her way to the Borg Cube to “take care” of Soji.

Cut to black, end of episode.

Thank goodness!

Okay, so there you have the recap.

If you thought the pilot episode went nowhere, this one went backwards! For me, the first episode served as a good launching point for a series with great potential. Then, this one came and gave us all the finger.

Literally, it told us to go f–k ourselves.

The pacing sucks and the substance is worse. I was excited to show my wife PICARD, since it’s out here with subtitles and Japanese dub, and I thought she could get into it. With this episode, I know for sure she wouldn’t like it, nor would she get it. She’s a normie, and if she won’t get it…?!

I give this one a solid 1 out of 10. Some of the worst STAR TREK I had ever seen! I’m due for a rewatch and review of STD season 2. While I will give that this episode is still monumentally better than almost everything STD2 pulled out, the fact that this is one of the worst episodes of STAR TREK I’ve ever seen is saying a lot!

Even “These are the Voyages” from STAR TREK ENTERPRISE was better than this abomination!

If the rumors are true, then it’s after next week’s episode it all goes down hill. That means that this episode is considered “good!” HOW?!

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